0.40am
Sep 07, 2014
~ Full of Life, I cant contain! ~
I see it all, all still.
My beautiful yellow dotted Pink
mattress, neat and tidy
With that piece of unkempt thin
blanket in the center,
Leaning to the pillow, staring at
my iPhone,
The huge teddy with eyes wide
right next to me,
The sleeping violin in a corner,
The Crimson red Window curtain
waving through my cheeks,
My bangles’ stand and earrings
cluster stare at me,
Those scattered beads from a broken
bracelet,
Feels like a part of me
I am full of life, I can’t
contain!
My legs dangle hesitant to
forsake the bed
Something comes over me, I see it
bubble and overflow
Anxiety from the week’s past?
Am I to abandon singlehood soon?
The feeling I stand at the edge
of a slippery slope
Shout songs loud enough with
hopes
That the vibes would pull the mud
out of the ground
And place me a grip under my foot!
Days of those teen years flashing
back
When dreams dust down
Like Crumbled Crispy Dead
butterfly wings
That was so wise,
No phone calls from boys! Hushed
Mom.
That’s all about being a Good
Girl
You are full of life, you wouldn’t
contain.
You wanted to walk your Mom’s
way,
You guarded your heart not with
fence
You grew more and more into
yourself
They were brick walls cant be
melted
Break it and you are not the
same.
All the programming in my brain
By family, culture, tradition
Have to be now split open
A tiny bit to let that one guy in
The only one I waited for.
‘We ll book the guy, you ll skype
him’
Well, I thought you ll show me
that one guy with no doubts
Now I have to talk to all the
ones you think might be the one!
Why did you lie Mom!
Well, who ll work on undoing the
program?
Avoiding the onset of anxieties,
Finding sympathy at my kitchen
cabinet,
Netflix and facebook, bake new
recipes,
Golf course Nine holes, sing
along all new top 20 UK list,
Try new beauty tips, Zumba moves,
or pick up a fight with your kin.
And I say come lets patch that
cracked wall
With words deep enough to fill
and close
So it evens up.
Memories of teenhood comes and
goes
All I was, All I am, needs a
tuning!
Crazy huh!
Like those happy-go-lucky flies
Buzzing over the scattered
lifeless human bodies
Know not the misery of the dead
But buzz around with their puny
life
For foolish is better light
Than knowledge that’s worse a
burden
Like a flower girl lean to the
new bloom
I will amaze at the first touch,
first look
Those never did exist in my
world,
No clothes slipping off my
shoulders,
No eyes with contacts browsing
through the mall,
No talk extra over a line of
friendship,
No skin rubbed for a blink moment
‘Good for you my girl’, says mom,
Proud you are waiting for the
one,
The one who will be the only one.
But mommy you forgot.
You programmed me not to be so.
Am stuck there and I shout.
Its like the scream of a lame
woman
To scare away the fly on her nose
I wish I could move. I was
chained and I somehow I grew comfortable in it.
Am stuck here. I can’t move.
I wish I could. But.. But fear
fills the air around me.
Wake up, that’s all enough
Lets call it a dream, or a
rehearse
Like I said, I couldn’t contain
it!
Will those First somethings only
sway in my dream
Would I feel more with
that one you bring??
Doubts can play devils advocate,
But otherwise,
Am full of life and I can’t
contain it. :)
- Sudha Mary Devaraj
- Sudha Mary Devaraj